I have fallen from grace the moment I realized that the world is not exactly kind nor noble even for a little girl, who’s craving for understanding people and the works of life resulted to rebellion. I could only remember fleeting moments of guileless attitude. I was more reserved than outspoken- afraid to be wrong, and at the same time afraid to be right. I’ve found ways to shield myself from eventual disappointments lest I become too puppy-eyed and hopeful just to be stabbed and shattered over and over.

I had been incessantly hoping for salvation, for somene to hold my hand and show me the
brighter, lighter side of life.  A bittersweet ideal that someone would let himself fall with me, to change the course of my flight, keep me from drowning. I’d gladly let myself be maneuvered, knowing and trusting that he’s willing to share himself with me wholly, and put me back on track. I would no longer be me, a sole entity, but us. And he, willing to let me in his life and be a part of him. I wanted a fearless man yet tender and open-minded. Unpretentious and truthful. Pathetic, I know. And I was too obsessed with the total idea of “bliss.” I’ve placed my morals and principles to the test. Self-recriminations never helped, it only made me worse, unforgiving. In search of my so-called bliss, I became a menace to people who cared for me, people I owe my life to.

Maybe I’m selfish, maybe I think too much- more about the less important things to survive in this world. I have been hurt, especially by people I expected to listen and understand. I have hurt people I never intended to, no matter how much I tried not to. One simply cannot expect too much from anybody. One cannot set himself to be the standard figure of humanity, no matter how he tries to perfect himself, because people are individuals. Each person is special and priceless.

I may not be entirely proud of the things I have done, I may be forever haunted by my mistakes but I take full resposibility of my actions and decisions. The path I chose was not a simple one but it taught me a lot. At least when I die, I’d know I’ve lived my life.

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Was there ever a time when you believed that you’re okay because you already have that something you really wanted, only to realize that you’re not absolutely okay because what you wanted did not exactly turn out as you expected it would? I mean, you definitely know that- Fact of Life cliche- you don’t always get exactly what you want, but still, you drive yourself crazy getting what you want but once you have it, you find it quite difficult to deal with and at times, your too proud to let it go even when the need to arises… Denial. You place yourself in perpetual denial that you’re happy, you’re okay, but deep inside your bleeding, choking yourself to death.

It’s human nature to keep on wanting and consequently needing to conquer all odds to get what you want, and on occassions, even hurt the people you cherish and love. But whether it’s human weakness or strength, it really depends on the the goal that you have- may it be for knowledge,  fame, fortune, a simple career, passion,  love, or lust, we could not fully grasp the gravity of what we want, why we want it, and how to live with it… or better yet, how to deal with ourselves. Life is complex, and people are complex… existence is simply an intricate interweaving of individuals and their subjective judgement, understanding, motive,and logic.

No man is an island; no man can exist alone.

Life is an unrelenting play of cause and effect.

Equal exchange- you take something but something is taken back in return.

We are constantly living in paradox, and a lot of us are well aware of it but has anyone ever gotten over that? I would like to meet at least one person that has, only I’m wishing that he would not be cynical nor unfeeling. I’m hoping that he’d still be human.

Honestly, this freaks me out. It’s been years since I’ve written a journal, in fact, I barely wrote a journal! It’s one thing to talk about yourself, about life, and a whole lot of other things in an actual conversation and another to actually record your thoughts. I know it works for most people and their really good at it. It  really is a great thing but it just scares me to write my heart and soul, caught up in a moment, because when that moment withers and be better off forgotten, I’ll be reminded of it because of this. I don’t mean to sound cynical but the thing is, I’ve done really foolish things in my life that I’m not totally proud of, which I don’t want to regret either, and so I choose to block it out of my system and somewhat move on… I’ve been successful with that for quite some time now but it did take away so much.

What if we are all living in a dream. What if life as we have come to know in our minds is not reality. What if in reality, we do not look the way we are seeing ourselves now. What if in reality, you are an idiot sitting on a wheelchair not seeing anyone or anything in front of you, and this world that you are living in is all but a world that either you or someone else created in your mind. What if this exact life that you are living right now is not real. And at a certain point you had a chance to wake up. An uncanny event that you had a glimpse of reality and you were given a choice…

 

By taking the blue pill, you will wake up in the world you have been living in without any remembrance of the glimpse. Life will continue as you are living it at this very moment, as you have been living it in your mind. And by taking the red pill, you will be cured and you would live a normal, animate life in the “Real World,” which is entirely different from the life you thought was real. In the Real World, you have the best things life could offer and there will be no traces of the life that you have known. The very life that you are living right now, all the people you hold so dear, the mishaps, the leaps, and the great escapes will all just be random unfamiliar dreams. Which one would you take?

 

That was the scenario thrown at me. Impulsively, I wanted to wake up and come to terms with reality, I wanted to be cured but then a part of me felt like taking the blue pill- and that whole entire length was exactly my answer. I threw back the question and he answered, “The blue pill.” Dumbfounded, I barely heard him explain his choice… “I am happy with my life as it is no matter the roller coaster ride. I am happy with what I have right now.”

 

Most of the time, I simply lack the sense of seeing what’s right in front of me because I question life so much. What is the whole point of living life when it simply is not as simple and as great as I thought it would be? The answer have always been that, life is what you make it and happiness is when you take time to appreciate the choices you have made and being grateful that you have lived your life as you have made it. We don’t always make the right choices, regret is inevitable, but it’s how we keep moving on that really matters, making life more interesting.

Sitting in a coffee shop, I was on therapy, the all-about-me talk / monologue. Reminiscing and sharing with a girlfriend about my youth escapades, I suddenly fell silent as I realized how far I have gone and how different was the life that I actually anticipated. Honestly, it kind of almost is- about 60-70% is, but not exactly… again, almost! For the most part of my existence, I had been trying to make a momentous event in my life, which will supposedly remind me of my purpose in life with an unwavering impact, “Drama Queen,” she called me. But somewhere along the way, I realized that what I had been trying to achieve is what I had been doing all along.

 

It felt like a bucket of ice was poured over me as I fast rewind my life in my mind for two minutes. It’s like time flew right before me without realizing that I had been actually living for at least twenty-five years. It seemed like I’ve been having perpetual lapses. It’s like everyday, I’d wake up with a blank tape in my head, ready to record yet another day just to be stacked in my done-this-done-that-just-another-day closet.

 

Being a kid, I was in such a hurry to grow up that I never really gave myself a chance to breathe life. I never took time to slow my pacing to savor every second of it. I knew I had fun, really, but it felt like I didn’t enjoy it as much as wanted to. I had fleeting accounts in my head about fun times and what I really wanted was something big and legendary. But recounting almost all of it, I realized that all of those passing events in my life were not totally in vain, because no matter how minute it might have seemed to me for ages, it all got me to where I am now, the life that I almost planned out for myself, only better. And I started thinking, everyday makes an impact in my life, I just need to take things at a certain pace- one step at a time.

 

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