Fall from Grace

I have fallen from grace the moment I realized that the world is not exactly kind nor noble even for a little girl, who’s craving for understanding people and the works of life resulted to rebellion. I could only remember fleeting moments of guileless attitude. I was more reserved than outspoken- afraid to be wrong, and at the same time afraid to be right. I’ve found ways to shield myself from eventual disappointments lest I become too puppy-eyed and hopeful just to be stabbed and shattered over and over.

I had been incessantly hoping for salvation, for somene to hold my hand and show me the
brighter, lighter side of life.  A bittersweet ideal that someone would let himself fall with me, to change the course of my flight, keep me from drowning. I’d gladly let myself be maneuvered, knowing and trusting that he’s willing to share himself with me wholly, and put me back on track. I would no longer be me, a sole entity, but us. And he, willing to let me in his life and be a part of him. I wanted a fearless man yet tender and open-minded. Unpretentious and truthful. Pathetic, I know. And I was too obsessed with the total idea of “bliss.” I’ve placed my morals and principles to the test. Self-recriminations never helped, it only made me worse, unforgiving. In search of my so-called bliss, I became a menace to people who cared for me, people I owe my life to.

Maybe I’m selfish, maybe I think too much- more about the less important things to survive in this world. I have been hurt, especially by people I expected to listen and understand. I have hurt people I never intended to, no matter how much I tried not to. One simply cannot expect too much from anybody. One cannot set himself to be the standard figure of humanity, no matter how he tries to perfect himself, because people are individuals. Each person is special and priceless.

I may not be entirely proud of the things I have done, I may be forever haunted by my mistakes but I take full resposibility of my actions and decisions. The path I chose was not a simple one but it taught me a lot. At least when I die, I’d know I’ve lived my life.

Truth and Consequence

Was there ever a time when you believed that you’re okay because you already have that something you really wanted, only to realize that you’re not absolutely okay because what you wanted did not exactly turn out as you expected it would? I mean, you definitely know that- Fact of Life cliche- you don’t always get exactly what you want, but still, you drive yourself crazy getting what you want but once you have it, you find it quite difficult to deal with and at times, your too proud to let it go even when the need to arises… Denial. You place yourself in perpetual denial that you’re happy, you’re okay, but deep inside your bleeding, choking yourself to death.

It’s human nature to keep on wanting and consequently needing to conquer all odds to get what you want, and on occassions, even hurt the people you cherish and love. But whether it’s human weakness or strength, it really depends on the the goal that you have- may it be for knowledge,  fame, fortune, a simple career, passion,  love, or lust, we could not fully grasp the gravity of what we want, why we want it, and how to live with it… or better yet, how to deal with ourselves. Life is complex, and people are complex… existence is simply an intricate interweaving of individuals and their subjective judgement, understanding, motive,and logic.

No man is an island; no man can exist alone.

Life is an unrelenting play of cause and effect.

Equal exchange- you take something but something is taken back in return.

We are constantly living in paradox, and a lot of us are well aware of it but has anyone ever gotten over that? I would like to meet at least one person that has, only I’m wishing that he would not be cynical nor unfeeling. I’m hoping that he’d still be human.

hush

Honestly, this freaks me out. It’s been years since I’ve written a journal, in fact, I barely wrote a journal! It’s one thing to talk about yourself, about life, and a whole lot of other things in an actual conversation and another to actually record your thoughts. I know it works for most people and their really good at it. It  really is a great thing but it just scares me to write my heart and soul, caught up in a moment, because when that moment withers and be better off forgotten, I’ll be reminded of it because of this. I don’t mean to sound cynical but the thing is, I’ve done really foolish things in my life that I’m not totally proud of, which I don’t want to regret either, and so I choose to block it out of my system and somewhat move on… I’ve been successful with that for quite some time now but it did take away so much.